Tuesday 26 August 2014

Conscious Uncoupling: Kitchen Edition

It is with a heart full of sadness that I have decided to separate. I have come to the conclusion that while I love Gwyneth, we have grown apart. Much like Chris Martin, I have moved on to a hot new piece – no, not J-Law, but Paleo Pete Evans.


I will be trading lentil meatballs for maca balls. Giving up agave.  My kitchen will be cultured. No, I'm not hanging fine art. It’s all about fermenting and no, I’m not talking about my ovaries. 

Sauerkraut and kimchi in da house! But we will always share a love of kale chips.

It all started with activated nuts. They made fun of My Pete, but I knew he was a visionary. Activating nuts just means soaking them so they’re easier to digest. They mocked you, Pete, but I knew you were ahead of your time. And now the “sheeple” have finally seen the light. Funny that.

But Gwyneth and I do share a lot of history. I’ve loved her since I watched Emma and thought she was British (um, hello, that’s even pre-Brad Pitt).  I will continue to read Goop and covet $2500 Michael Kors capes and face serums made from goat sperm.  

Don’t worry, homegirl, like your latest cookbook, It’s All Good between us. And I totally get why you’re boinking that nerdy guy from Glee. Writers are hot.

Tuesday 12 August 2014

Dear Fake Celebrity Couples - Stop It!


Fake celebrity relationships are nothing new, but there have been a couple of celeb hookups recently that have made me think "What the actual fark?"


The first one was Zac Efron and Michelle Rodriguez. They were spotted in Ibiza making out like teenagers. Michelle was macking on Cara Delevingne only months ago. The interesting thing about this one is that it isn't a set-up by a Hollywood PR team, it's just two crazy kids looking for attention. Working as Zac Efron's publicist must be exhausting enough with all of his rehab stints, brushes with the law and accidents (breaking his jaw after slipping in a puddle *ahem*) and now this. Bottom line - not buying it.

The second head-scratcher was Joe Manganiello and Sofia Vergara. What the what? This one is more traditional. Sofia's ex-fiance was a douche bag and instead of the media focusing on their messy split, they're now talking about her "hot new romance." Well played, PR team. They both are repped by the same agency, so it's a win-win for everyone.

The other romance that everyone's been talking about is George Clooney and Amal Alamuddin. Maybe I'm a cynic, but I find it hard to believe that George finally met his match and that they're rushing to the altar because they're madly in love.

There are generally four types of FCR's (Fake Celebrity Relationships).

The Business Arrangement: It's all about building and strengthening your brand. We're looking at you Jay-Z and Beyonce. And who can forget the two biggest fame whores on the planet. Kim and Kanye = Ka-ching.

The Beard: (Please note all of these relationships are ALLEGEDLY beard-y) John Travolta and Kelly Preston. George Clooney and Amal. Suki Waterhouse and Bradley Cooper. Ryan Seacrest and anyone. Jake Gyllenhaal and anyone. I don't know cause I'm not in their bedrooms and technically it's none of my bid-ness. I'm just sayin'...

The Showmance: Sometimes you have a project to promote. Say for instance there's a movie (Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart, Jennifer Aniston and Vince Vaughan, Zac Efron and Vanessa Hudgens). Or a TV show (Lea Michele and Cory Monteith). Anyone on Big Brother.

The Grey Area: I also believe there's a category were there are some blurred lines. Take Tom and Katie. I have no doubt Kate was rapt when she was cast as the new Mrs. Cruise. The same goes for Nicole. And then things went pear-shaped and she was kicked to the curb. Sometimes a girl just needs to raise her profile (anyone remember Delta Goodrem and Joe Jonas?)

Social media has changed everything. Celebs are over-sharing and Tweeting and Instagramming constantly. But it's also made everyone a little more savvy. Gone are the days when the public could be spoon fed celebrity news, "Stars they're just like us!" At least in a fake romance we can find out who the good actors are by how convincingly they play the part.