Real Housewives of Melbourne Review

The Real Housefraus of Melboring had their debut last night and I have to say they did not disappoint. My biggest fear about the Aussie version of the franchise was that they would be too self-conscious and not put themselves out there. Everyone would be on their best behaviour and it would all be a bit boring. But my fears were soon put to rest - these beyotches are anything but boring.

DISCLAIMER: I have to say the snarkiness that comes with a review of a show like this feels a bit raw at the moment after the death of Charlotte Dawson. It's all in good fun and just a bit of a laugh. With that said, let's meet our contestants!

Lydia: This Catherine Zeta Jones/Carlton from RHOBH cross was the first cab off the rank. She seems to be having the most sex out of anyone in the group, which as it turns out, she is contractually obliged to do. She has a "conjugal rights contract" with her husband which guarantees him nookie. So what does she get?? A Porsche Carrerra, snow house in Thredbo, exotic holidays and her own plane. She must be really good at conjugating. And here I thought conjugating that was just for verbs.

Gina: This self-confessed "ultimate drag queen" scares me. You would not want to meet her in a dark alley. She's ballsy (perhaps literally, I think she may actually be a dude) and built like a linebacker. I've heard she's actually really pretty in person. I'd love to see her without the back-combed hair, gaudy eyeliner and too tight dresses. Definitely one of the stars of the show.

Andrea: The plastic surgery princess who "lives in Toorak, shops in Toorak and works in Toorak." Ok, we get it, you're in the Toorak bubble. Probably my least favourite Housefrau. A bit meh.

Janet: The property developer who never washes her own hair. (Hey, if I had money I would pay a pack of gays to wash my hair and fawn over me, too). She's the one I would most want to hang out with and drink some Veuve. A girl's girl who is back on the dating scene after her geriatric love rat husband got hopped-up on Viagra and cheated on her. Bless.

Jackie: How much time have you got? Jackie is married to Silverchair's Ben Gillies, which you will learn within two seconds of meeting her. So, of course I've heard of Silverchair, but couldn't tell you a single song that they sing. To me Silverchair is "the band with Daniel Johns, the dude who was married to Natalie Imbruglia." And as far as Ben looking like Johnny Effing Depp, erm, maybe if I didn't have my contacts in and saw him across the room. Jackie is a psychic complete with crystals, angel cards, "automatic writing" and channelling. And I have to say for the record, I'm totally into all of that stuff. What can I say - I'm a woo woo girl. Jackie and Gina are the best part of the show.

Chyka: For some reason I really want to call her Chikungunya, that disease you get from mosquitoes when you go to Bali. I have to say I was a bit confused by her relationship. Her hubby is HOT. I definitely get a Hugh Jackman/Deborra-Lee Furness vibe from these two. They've been together for 23 years and have two spawn. Whatever their deal is, it seems to be working.

SO, those are the lay-deez in a nutshell. Can't wait to tune in next week for Jackie and Gina's "Angels and Demons" showdown.