Sunday 23 February 2014

Real Housewives of Melbourne Review

The Real Housefraus of Melboring had their debut last night and I have to say they did not disappoint. My biggest fear about the Aussie version of the franchise was that they would be too self-conscious and not put themselves out there. Everyone would be on their best behaviour and it would all be a bit boring. But my fears were soon put to rest - these beyotches are anything but boring.



DISCLAIMER: I have to say the snarkiness that comes with a review of a show like this feels a bit raw at the moment after the death of Charlotte Dawson. It's all in good fun and just a bit of a laugh. With that said, let's meet our contestants!

Lydia: This Catherine Zeta Jones/Carlton from RHOBH cross was the first cab off the rank. She seems to be having the most sex out of anyone in the group, which as it turns out, she is contractually obliged to do. She has a "conjugal rights contract" with her husband which guarantees him nookie. So what does she get?? A Porsche Carrerra, snow house in Thredbo, exotic holidays and her own plane. She must be really good at conjugating. And here I thought conjugating that was just for verbs.

Gina: This self-confessed "ultimate drag queen" scares me. You would not want to meet her in a dark alley. She's ballsy (perhaps literally, I think she may actually be a dude) and built like a linebacker. I've heard she's actually really pretty in person. I'd love to see her without the back-combed hair, gaudy eyeliner and too tight dresses. Definitely one of the stars of the show.

Andrea: The plastic surgery princess who "lives in Toorak, shops in Toorak and works in Toorak." Ok, we get it, you're in the Toorak bubble. Probably my least favourite Housefrau. A bit meh.

Janet: The property developer who never washes her own hair. (Hey, if I had money I would pay a pack of gays to wash my hair and fawn over me, too). She's the one I would most want to hang out with and drink some Veuve. A girl's girl who is back on the dating scene after her geriatric love rat husband got hopped-up on Viagra and cheated on her. Bless.

Jackie: How much time have you got? Jackie is married to Silverchair's Ben Gillies, which you will learn within two seconds of meeting her. So, of course I've heard of Silverchair, but couldn't tell you a single song that they sing. To me Silverchair is "the band with Daniel Johns, the dude who was married to Natalie Imbruglia." And as far as Ben looking like Johnny Effing Depp, erm, maybe if I didn't have my contacts in and saw him across the room. Jackie is a psychic complete with crystals, angel cards, "automatic writing" and channelling. And I have to say for the record, I'm totally into all of that stuff. What can I say - I'm a woo woo girl. Jackie and Gina are the best part of the show.

Chyka: For some reason I really want to call her Chikungunya, that disease you get from mosquitoes when you go to Bali. I have to say I was a bit confused by her relationship. Her hubby is HOT. I definitely get a Hugh Jackman/Deborra-Lee Furness vibe from these two. They've been together for 23 years and have two spawn. Whatever their deal is, it seems to be working.

SO, those are the lay-deez in a nutshell. Can't wait to tune in next week for Jackie and Gina's "Angels and Demons" showdown.

Thursday 20 February 2014

Meeting Markus Zusak - The Book Thief

I normally wouldn't read something like The Book Thief, but Markus Zusak and I share the same literary agent and she mentioned him to me during a meeting. I wanted to be in the loop, so, like everyone else on the planet, I picked up a copy of his book.



As Markus himself says, "It's set in war time Germany, it's narrated by Death, almost everybody dies, and it's 580 pages - you'll love it."

At times I've felt like Death has been narrating MY life after losing my mom, dad, a close friend, three out of four grandparents, having had a miscarriage and losing my beloved dog.

But I loved the book and powered through it in a few days. I was thrilled to get the chance to meet Markus in person recently. Markus is a friend of a friend and I was invited to a special screening/booksigning.

The place was packed, so I didn't get as much quality time as I would have liked. I had to make every minute count. When I was "presented" to him my opening line was an enthusiastic, "I'm an author as well!"

I saw a look of terror ever-so-briefly cross his face. I'm sure he gets this all the time from writer groupies and hangers on. I'm sure he was waiting for me to pull out my manuscript and ask him if he could help me get published. I had to do damage control - stat.

"We have the same agent!" I said hopefully.

His face relaxed. I wasn't a nutter after all. We had a lovely conversation and he posed for a happy snap.

As someone who has written both a novel and adapted it as a screenplay, I thought it was interesting that he didn't write the film version of his book. To me that would be like having a surrogate carry your child. Sure, I'd do it as a last resort, but ideally I would want to carry my own baby so I could control everything.

But he's said writing the book had wrung him dry and that it was time for someone else to carry the torch and follow through with their vision.

Hopefully I'll get the chance to have another conversation with Markus. He's a true inspiration and made sure he signed every person's book at the event - over four hours of signing! I'm just hoping some of his bestselling author juju rubbed off on me...


Tuesday 11 February 2014

I’d Like a Do-Over, Please…



I’m getting married – and this time it doesn’t involve a green card!

Some of you may recall my first marriage. It didn’t have a happy ending. Actually, it probably had many, MANY happy endings, just none of them involving me.

So why, why, why, would I even consider crossing over to the dark side again?  Because of a perfect storm consisting of three people – Angelica Huston, Vera Wang and my partner David.

Angelica: I was reading about Angelica’s new memoir and someone asked her why she married her husband Robert Graham after being with notorious womaniser Jack Nicholson for decades and never tying the knot. She said something along the lines of, “Because he called when he said he would call. He did what he said he was going to do.” He was solid. He was reliable. He was a grown-up. And then I had my light bulb moment. I had been avoiding getting married because of my experience with my ex-husband and not basing my decision on my current partner.

Vera: I recently finished a writing project that I’ve been working on for YEARS. I had time on my hands. I started tiptoeing around wedding websites just to see what was out there. I knew I didn't want to spend gazillions on a wedding and there was no way I could possibly find the dress of my dreams with my budget. And then I saw it. The gown that made me gasp. I was on a website for “pre-loved” dresses and it was a Vera Wang worthy of Carolyn Bessette Kennedy herself.

A young bride had gone to New York, found the ultimate dress in the Vera Wang salon and then flew back to Sydney. She showed it to her mother, who forbid her to wear it at her wedding because it was “too sexy.” So she bought a $20,000 Oscar De la Renta ball gown instead. And Vera was set free at one-fourth of her retail price. Come to mama…

David: And let’s not forget the groom – quite possibly the kindest and most amazing man on the planet. He encouraged me to do “the script thing” and then “the book thing” and now “the blog thing.” Every day he tells me how proud he is of what I’m doing. Plus he buys me countless pub meals, bottles of wine and never says no when I ask for fifty bucks and promise to pay him back when the book gets published, script gets sold, or when I get a “real job” again.

So Chickipeas, that's it in a nutshell.  The wedding isn’t going to be a schlock-fest with hearts and Celine Dion songs and poems about soul mates. But it will be a super-cool party overlooking the Opera House with all of my friends and I get to take home a new husband. SO much better than a gift bag.